Poppy scored on Christmas!

It's true, we opened more presents for Poppy than we opened for ourselves. She totally scored and she's not even here yet! And I am totally annoying - I squealed every time we opened something for her - it's all so cute and soft and little. Little onesies, little pants, little (and SOFT) blankets. Erin is in for it!

We got back to Seattle around noon and slept most of the rest of the day away! Erin crashed on the couch and I went in to bed.  I feel like I need a week nap to recover from the last couple days. We were up late nearly every night and up early and on the go in between. I laughed a lot and cried a lot, too. The tears were mostly tears of gratitude and happiness. I loved being home. It felt really special this year. I got to have two conversations with my mom that I'll never forget and we got to visit with grandma Carol and sing Christmas songs with her. I spent time with all of my siblings and with Tol, Addi, Ben and Wooly, too. AND it was the last Christmas not being a parent.  I kept thinking of what it might be like next year. Wild.

A few weeks ago Erin asked me if I [still] worried that people in my family wouldn't feel [as much of] a connection with Poppy as the other kiddos because she won't be biologically related to me (years ago I mentioned that it was a fear of mine) and honestly I have continued to wonder about it a little bit. But man, after this week any wonder or fear or worry has been replaced with complete assurance and confidence and pride. I can't express how grateful I am to be apart of the crazy Nelson bunch and how grateful I am that Poppy will be apart of them, too!

A quick recap - we got into Utah on the 23rd, rented a car and drove straight to Park City for the Nelson Christmas party. It was snowy and beautiful and wonderful and so fun to be with the extended family. There was a lot of laughter, delicious food, Christmas songs and good conversation.

On Christmas Eve morning we celebrated mom's 60 birthday by making her breakfast and cleaning out the storage room. It seems like a lame present but that's what she wanted. There were a couple times I turned to Erin and vowed to stop holding on to stuff because I don't want our kids to clean out our future storage room and find junk that we've been holding on to for 20+ years. We agreed that storage rooms should be used for gear and holiday decorations and some kid stuff.

We carried on the gingerbread making party and Christmas jammie's at Jami's house that evening. Mine gingerbread house was a total bust. My house turned into a VW Bus. I think my dad won this year. He was totally into it.

After the houses Erin and I went back to my parents house to visit with my mom - she wasn't feeling up to Jami's house - and had a conversation I will never forget. We talked about her illness and the loneliness she feels. We talked about the past and laughed and cried a bit. We made plans to go on a trip to Canada - I want to take her on the ferry that takes you to Bliss Landing. I have seen some of the prettiest sights I've ever seen on that ferry. I had a hard time going to bed that night because I was overcome with emotion and so much love for my mom and my family - and for my own life. I also felt so thankful that I my mom mirrored that kind of mom I want to be to Poppy. I have confidence in my ability to be a good mom largely because of my own mom's example.

Christmas morning started at 6:30 for me. I drove back to Jami's and watched her kiddos open gifts while Erin slept. I wanted to be there - I wanted to see the look on their faces. And I'm so glad I did! We all went to church together. It was the first time I've been to a Mormon church unapologetically. I was actually proud to be there. I was there with my wife and my family.  I wore slacks and a sweater and I felt comfortable. I smiled at the people when I received confused glances. I held Erin's hand and put my arm around her. I was myself. I was myself for the first time EVER inside of the church that I gave so much of myself to - and it was incredible. I felt free and powerful and beautiful. And I felt proud to be there with Erin.

We went home for cranberry muffins and presents and then a few of us went snowshoeing. I am so happy we did that. We went to Little Cottonwood Canyon and aside from it being breathtaking, it was nice to get out and about after eating so many sweets. Everyone contributed to Christmas dinner that night and it was delicious - and the meal ended with going around the table talking about the best part of 2016 and what we're most looking forward to for 2017.

The best part of 2016 for me was continuing to know that dreams can come true. I have a life that I didn't know existed a few years ago. I thought life was supposed to be hard and I didn't think I'd ever have what I have now. I didn't think I'd have a wife and kids were in my cards. And I never thought I'd have a job that I love as much as I love the job I have. It's taken mental practice but I've learned that my mind makes up a lot of my reality. There are a lot of hard things that happen in my life but the way I choose to deal with them makes all the difference. I feel incredibly blessed to have a greater understanding of the power of my mind - only because I've practiced using it! And for 2017 I am most looking forward to Poppy getting here! I feel as ready as I can feel because of the relationships I have in my life. I have Erin and I know we will work together well to raise our daughter. We are good teammates and we love each other so dang much. I have my parents who have mirrored good parenting to me and I have my siblings - and they do more for me than words could ever explain.  So bring on 2017!

Yesterday we explored Salt Lake, visited Curt and Karina's new apartment and spent the evening at grandma's house. Another highlight of the trip was going to grandma's. It was nice to visit with her but the real treat was hearing my mom play the piano!

And now it is back to reality. We are home in Seattle. We are in our cozy little house with the Christmas lights on, candles lit, Harley in his bed and Erin's reading. It's nice to be home.

Life is good.

Now to share one of the best parts of the holiday. Singing around the piano!

Week 23

One thing has been 100% agreed upon this week. We did a really good job deciding who was going to be the pregnant one! Erin is handling this like a champ. She is so much stronger than me, she doesn't complain, she works all day on her feet and still comes home and gives me time and asks if she can make me dinner. I mean seriously, who does that?! I'd be horrible at being pregnant. I'd complain and ask her to do everything for me. I'd have weird body issues and it'd take me forever to find something to wear. But not Erin - she's wonder woman! I am so thankful she is doing this for us!

Turns out I don't have to work for the rest of the year because I have unused vacation time that I didn't know about until last week. AWESOME and how the hell did I not know about vacation time?!?? We could have gone somewhere tropical or something. Oh well - it's nice to have a solo stay cation, I guess. I am getting things done! And today I got to spend a few hours with Sara and Harlowe. It was Sara's first day on her own so I was glad to show up and give them both some company AND to get a little insight on having a baby. I have been around babies my entire life but today as I was watching Sara and Harlowe I was like, holy shit, that's going to be me in a few months! So wild! 

Some fun with Harley Boy on the days off!

Erin is doing well. She is tired - and rightfully so. This is her busiest time of year. 9 hours today, 10 hours tomorrow.  Most days she is too busy to sit down and/or eat. And she does it all with a smile white growing a freaking human. Yesterday she could have gotten off early but she insisted on doing my hair at the end of her day - which I loved. I LOVE getting my hair done. Erin's head massages are to die for!

 

A few weeks ago I mentioned an idea about us writing and framing family values and/or a mission statement or something. My brother Nils gave me the idea. I know Erin and I share values and have similar hopes for our family and the future, etc but it feels good to check in and to write them out and eventually have them somewhere we can see everyday. So she asked if she could take me on a date Sunday morning. She purposefully made time to work on that together because it was important to me. We still need to wordsmith but we feel good about the initial draft.

In the last few weeks I've also mentioned that I want to find a church or some kind of spiritual home for us. So for the second part of our date we went to church - a church that she researched and thought might fit what we're looking for. This particular church serves more than 3,000 meals to homeless people EVERY WEEK and they do a lot of other things in our community, too. So awesome. And so awesome that Erin heard what I feel I need and made an effort to make it happen. I am one lucky lady to have Erin.  

We also made time to check out the progress of our town home that is being built in Crown Hill. There were two homes on this lot a week ago. Now it's completely empty and ready to have some homes built on it. We are eager to watch the progression of the project and even more eager to make memories with each other and our growing family and friends in this spot.

We leave for Utah on Friday and we're excited to spend time with my family - and to have a white Christmas. The kids - Tol, Ad and Ben make Christmas feel magical. Next year Nils Wooly and Poppy will add to the excitement!

Stay tuned for next week. 

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

This time of year feels like magic. The lights, the music, the snow - combined with conversations of little Poppy being apart of all the festivities next year.

Poppy is the length of a spaghetti squash this week and hit the 1 lbs mark. She's long and skinny. I get to feel her move everyday and Erin's baby bump is getting bigger. I'm obsessed with all of it.

A few things this week - Harlowe Rose was born on Wednesday night which means Sara and Emily are new parents to the most beautiful little girl. I'm convinced that little Lolo is going to be good friends with our Poppy and that makes me giddy and excited. It gives me confidence that our world is going to be okay - perfect little people are being born and they are being raised by good people.

We purchased a crib, lamb sheets and a fox stuff animal last week. The lamb sheets and fox combo just about kill me - cutest thing I've ever seen! We got all of it at Baby's R Us. The crib came in a big box, we brought it home and put it together in our front room. We were so dang excited to get it and move it to Poppy's room. Thing is - it was too big to get through the doorway. Haha - we put it together, took it apart and then put it together again. It's wild to have a crib in our home. I sit and stare and wonder what this little girl is going to be like and how she's going to change our world!

We went and cut down our christmas tree this year. It was my first time cutting one down and I completely loved it. I've been wanted to do it the last couple years and this year we felt more determined to make the trek because it feels particularly important to start a few traditions. I'm convinced that Poppy will love joining us for our Ucut Christmas Tree outing next year and beyond. The tree is now up and decorated and it makes our home feel cozy. We have a few other Christmas decorations up and a few candles. I love our home this time of year.

And today we got home from a weekend in Vancouver to celebrate Christmas early with Erin's extended family. It's become one of my favorite traditions. I adore Vancouver - charming town, nice people, good food - and Erin's family is so fun! We stay in an old historic hotel right on the English Bay which is pretty close to Stanley Park and hit the town for dinner. Erin and I visited Vancouver for Pride 4 years ago - right after we started dating and this morning we walked by a memorable location from that trip. It's incredible to reflect on the last 4 years. It's hard to believe that all of it has lead us to right now.

Life feels really good right now. It feels special and tender and meaningful. We are surrounded by so much love and kindness. My tank is full. 

This is without a doubt the most wonderful time of the year!

Our Wedding Video(s)

We have received our wedding video in pieces. Here's the first two. We are waiting for the last. We love these so much - it captures some of our favorite moments of our day. Our wedding is a special memory - AND we wish everyone could have been there. We believe that if people were able to experience the love we have for each other hearts and minds would change about LGBT families - and that life for Poppy would be a little better and easier.

Enjoy taking a peak into our wedding day. :) Also, Matt Johnson is incredible!

A time to give thanks, indeed

My favorite holiday has come and gone - and by next year we will be a family of 3! Wild.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday - maybe because it's my moms favorite. An entire day - or weekend if you're lucky - to focus on being thankful! And oh man, I have a lot to be thankful for! This year I am especially thankful that I stuck around and trusted that it would get better. I am incredibly thankful for my life. Might seem cliche but there were several years I didn't want to be alive. I thought I was a mistake. I thought I couldn't have any of the things I wanted: to be proud of myself, to be honest about who I am, to have a family, to have friends who know the real me and love me for it, to have a job I'm passionate about and to have a real authentic relationship with God. I feel humbled, I feel thankful and I feel motivated to pass on the message of 'it gets better' to the people that need it.

Erin and I were both sick over the Thanksgiving weekend. This dumb cold/cough kept us close to home which turned out being perfect. (This weekend has had me wondering what parents do when they get sick. I'm a total wimp, I don't want to do anything when I'm sick.)  There was a lot of relaxing with a few outings to hike, shop the neighborhood stores on Small Business Saturday and go to the Salon to turn me into a red head. We went to the McKinnon's for Thanksgiving dinner and it was perfect and low key. I seriously scored when it comes to in-laws!

We are 20 weeks pregnant today. Twenty weeks or 139 days to go! Erin is just starting to get her baby bump. Every morning for the last week I have asked her to wear something tight - just so I can see it. She's done it for me most of the time. :) Erin has to pee several times during the day. It seems she has the urge more often than not and then when she goes to the bathroom nothing comes out. It's annoying to her and she has said that it's the worst part of being pregnant - which we are both thankful for. We have heard pregnancy horror stories so no complaining about the constant urge. But then again, that's easy for me to say!

It's fascinating to learn about the developments in Poppy as they're happening.  This week her uterus and ovaries are finishing developing along with the millions of eggs that will allow her to be a mom someday, if she choses. Isn't that wild?! She is about 6 inches long crown to rump - already nearly formed. I'm in constant awe. I have been caught looking at Erin with a confused and almost nervous look on my face. I can't help it. It is the coolest thing that our baby is growing inside of her. 

So many of our conversations are about Poppy. We talk about the things we need to purchase to prepare for her, the things we want to teach her, we wonder what she's going to be like - like today we wondered if she's going to want to have long hair like Erin or short hair like me,  we've spent quite a bit of time talking about how to maintain our relationship and relationships with our friends when she gets here. It's hard to remember what we spent our time talking about before we got pregnant. She already takes up so much of my mind space.

We have our 20 week ultrasound and our second centering appointment this week. I am so eager for both.  We are getting our house ready for Christmas and have holiday plans approaching. I love this time of year - it feels magic. We are going to do our best to be in the moment and enjoy our last Christmas as a family of 2 while at the same time continue to be so excited for next year with little Poppy!

Fist Bumps

Oh man, I felt Poppy move this morning! I FELT HER MOVE! I was in Las Vegas for a couple nights at the beginning of the week and while I was there I received a text from Erin letting me know that she finally felt our baby girl move. GAHHHHHH! I missed it!  Erin said she felt emotional and grateful and I felt SOOOO bummed I missed it. I got home last night, had a little convo with Pop and luckily she let me feel her this morning. I had my hand on Erin's belly and after a few minutes I got an undeniable fist bump! It was incredible! Pregnancy is incredible! I go back and forth from being in utter awe to getting ridiculously giddy and hyper to being so thankful to Erin for doing this for us.

New developments - Poppy is about the size of a large chicken breast (crown to rump), she has finger and toe prints and is starting to create poop. Her heart is beating nearly 150 beats per minute -we were able to hear it a few weeks ago (neglected to put much attention on the awesomeness of that because I was still sulking re the election results)  It's all fascinating and beautiful. And weird. The way babies are made and how they grow inside of a woman completely blows my mind.

Today we are 148 days away from our due date. Last entry I was nervous because of the political climate. Right now I feel eager. Perhaps the world needs more people who are impacted by perfect little babies because maybe those perfect little babies give the best kind of perspective and motivation. That's what it feels like to me.

Baby, wedding and the election

I was going to write this entry last Friday - after I met Nils Wooly - and how meeting him made me even more excited for Poppy to get here but I decided to wait until after Curtis's wedding. Curtis's wedding made me over-the-moon that Poppy will get him as an uncle and Karina as an aunt. Their wedding reintroduced the coolness of my family. When the wedding was over I decided to wait to write this entry until election night. I thought I could have an out of this world happy and uplifting post.

Deep breath.

I shouldn't have waited. Meeting Nils and celebrating Curtis and Karina were both amazing. I made so many special memories and my excitement for Jette to get here nearly made me explode. But... a lot of those feelings have passed because...

another deep breath...

Hillary didn't win. She isn't going to be the President. Donald Trump is going to be the President - the President of the United States of America.

America found out during the earliest hour of today. I was glued to the TV because I was sure that there must have been a mistake. No mistake - Trump won. And immediate fear took over me. What kind of world is Jette coming into? America just told us that women can be the most qualified and prepared and it still isn't good enough. Right now it seems our country is more misogynist and interested in preserving patriarchy than we are racist - and we are fucking racist!

My marriage is at risk. My job is at risk. My safety is (more) at risk. And all of it could directly impact our baby girl. I feel sick and heartbroken. And I feel motivated as ever. Jette is the most motivating thing that has ever been in my life. I am going to go to war for her.

I have been riding the coattails of people who came before me my entire life.  I have had things pretty easy and I have often times taken things for granted. I am going to fight like hell to listen and learn so I can build bridges with people who are different than me. That's why this election is so painful - it seems we have collectively created 'us' and 'thems' which is making people afraid of people who are different. It's my turn to fight hard for my baby girl and lead with love, compassion and a desire to understand what has created such an enormous divide.

Jette deserves to be born into a world that respects her as much as the little white baby boys that are born and the black and brown babies should be valued as much as she will be. I will continue to work to make that happen.

This week baby girl is the size of my open hand. Her bones are getting harder and her sweat glands are beginning to develop. Erin will be able to start feeling her move any day. She will be here in 157 days. We had an appointment last week and heard her heartbeat and it was incredible. I can hardly wait to actually put my hand on her and feel her heartbeat through her chest. I'm so eager to sit and watch her chest move up and down. I'm eager to get her here but I'm grateful more time will pass before she is so we can make more sense of this political climate and hopefully make a little more progress before she gets here.

Now, for a little comic relief, check out how I left Nils hanging and went straight for Nils Wooly.

Poppy has Hair

Goodness gracious, pregnancy goes slow -16 weeks down, 24 to go and not a lot to show for it. Erin still doesn't have a baby bump and she continues to feel great. Sometimes I wish she'd feel (just a little) sick so I knew something was growing in there - either that or a baby bump but let's be honest, I have more of a baby bump than my pregnant wife. All I want is a little bit of daily confirmation that Poppy is in her belly or something. :)

This morning we pulled out the pregnancy book and learned that Poppy is growing hair all over her body, her heart is pumping 25 quarts of blood throughout her body everyday and she's beginning to hear us - which is so cool! Story time is now going to be apart of our daily ritual! One of the high lights of my week is learning about the weekly developments and this week is particularly special because I learned she can hear me. I love her so much already and now I won't hesitate to tell her. :) 

Aside from these short and mostly anticlimactic details there isn't much to report with Poppy or Erin. But there updates with other parts of our lives.

Baby Nils is doing great! He is home and is acting like a normal baby. I didn't realize how scary the first couple hours of his life were until recently. Nils told me every detail about a week ago - he almost lost his little boy. Nils Wooly nearly died. But now he is home and his parents are over-the- moon - they are nervous and it seems they are cautiously optimistic - and they are over-the-moon! I have received photos nearly everyday and I gotta say it, that baby is beautiful!

A few other things - Poppy has attended her first Seahawks and UW Football game. She has experienced her first Markeson Halloween party and Kelsey's 30th birthday! No matter what we do there seems to be a comment made about how next year or the next time we'll have a baby. Goodness, I long to hold her and have her here. Like right this moment it's so fun to think about a little babe asleep or screaming in my arms or hanging out in a swing or something. I don't know what it'll be like but I know my world is about to be rocked!

Next week will have more content. Curtis is getting married on Saturday (I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!)!!! And then, 3 days after the wedding is election night. I hope to have a gigantic party that night and then carry on (knowing that we are going to have the first female POTUS)!

Week 15 - and Erin's got moves!

This pretty much says it all!

A letter to Poppy

To my baby girl,

I have to wait 5.5 months until I officially meet you but I feel like I already know you. I have been thinking about you and loving you for longer than you’ve been in mom’s belly. I have been thinking of you and planning for you for longer than I can remember. I’ve wanted you forever – and I am so eager to finally get you here!

A few things I want you to know – and a few things I never want to forget.

I love you and it's not conditional and never ever will be. I don’t care what you like, who you’ll love or the mistakes you’ll make. I will do by best at creating opportunities for you to learn and grow and dream. I’ll show you that dreams come true by continuing to dream myself and working hard to turn my dreams into reality. I’ll do my best at keeping you safe – but not too safe. I want you to struggle and to see the struggles in our communities. I think that struggle develops compassion and I think compassion can change the world! I will care more about the way you treat people than your grades - although I will always encourage you to work hard! I will engage in conversations with you about ways we can do our part to help people around us. I will tell you that you’re smart and beautiful and capable because I know you will be – and I will be real with you. You’re going to have to be better than the boys and men in your life to have access to the same opportunities. A lot of things aren’t going to seem fair but I hope that you recognize the beauty that is everywhere and the power that is within you!

I will make messes with you and help clean them up afterwards. I will take you on adventures. I will teach you about manners and respect and why they are important. I will teach you about trees and sports and we will read books together. I will ask you to tell me about everything you think about and how you want the world to be. I will encourage you to have opinions based on knowledge and experience and I will hope that you use your ears more than your voice – and I hope that when you use your voice that you’ll use it strongly! I hope you'll always stand up for the things you believe in and what you care about. I hope that you’ll ask questions and I hope you’ll always spread your truth, your love and your light!

Baby girl, I hope you will become best friends with your mom. She is the light of my life and I’m sure she will be (one of) the light (s) of yours, too! We are the luckiest girls in the world to have her! You’ll learn quickly that she is loyal, fierce, incredibly kind and generous and she loves adventure! I fell in love with her simple way of living, her giving heart and the love she has for her family. You should see her now – the way she cares for you already is quite remarkable!

I will teach you about love by loving myself, your mom and you, the people around me and the planet we live on. We will start and end our days expressing gratitude. The world is big and bright and good. And it’s about to get so much better and brighter when you get here! I can hardly wait.

Get ready baby girl, it’s going to be an adventure!

I love you! 

Love, Mom

Poppy has a cousin!

Ricardo Lockette giving Nils Wooly a happy birthday shoutout hours after he was born 

On October 11, 2016 my nephew was born. Nils Wooly Nelson. In the short, but very long, two days he's been here he has captured hearts and transformed lives. Mine included.

We got a text from my brother at 6:47pm on October 10th. He was deciding if we wanted to catch his son. He expressed nervousness but I could sense excitement through the words on my screen. We waited patiently for the next text. I hoped it would be a picture of the baby - maybe of my brother holding his son.

An hour passed, then two. I felt sorry for Ashley. I feared she was still going through active labor and selfishly wished that Erin's experience would be easier. Then hour three passed - my family started texting each other wondering if anyone had heard anything. Nothing. During the 4th hour I started looking up hospitals - none of us knew where they were and we were starting to get worried.

Finally around midnight - nearly 6 hours after our last text from Nils - I got a text from Jami. She had just talked to Nils. Baby was born. It was a hard labor and scary delivery. The baby swallowed meconium and it was a semi dry birth (don't exactly know what that means). Baby was undergoing tests. Nils was nervous. Ashley, Nils's wife, saw fear in the nurses eyes. He was having some issues. They are getting transferred to another hospital. The baby is having seizures.

Without getting into all of the details I will say that right now there is a lot of hope! Baby Nils hasn't had seizures today and his brain ultrasound and spinal tap came back looking good. My brother nor his wife have been able to hold their baby much- and that's heart breaking - hopefully after tomorrow they'll be able to! 

Yesterday morning I was driving to work and my family all received this text from Nils: 

"Hi fam, I'm sorry for not responding as timely as I would like-we've had a very full day of meetings.  We also have a lot of things that need to be worked out by tomorrow because Ashley will be discharged. So, I'm sending out this text to give you all the update and helpfully I can find some time this evening to speak with you more if you have questions. Thank you all for your love support and prayers. We have truly felt strengthened.

Update: our little guy had two seizures yesterday, one of which was seven minutes long. The doctors aren't as concerned with length of seizure as they are with frequency and (I think) severity. His hiccup reflex breathing has decreased which is  positive. They did the spinal tap yesterday. Preliminary results indicated no infection, but more thorough testing is being done and we should have those results within two to five days. Fingers crossed. In relation to the seizures,  they will continue to cool his body through tomorrow, warm him in Friday, then perform an MRI on Sat, with results projected to arrive mid next week. So we are mostly waiting for the results of the spinal test and MRI. Once those arrive, we will have a better idea of what we are dealing with.

We have been so impressed by the quality of care we've received here. We have met personally with the attending OB, pediatric neurologist, attending pediatric doctor, lactation consultant, and nurses. He couldn't be in better care and we are SO grateful. 

The OB eased some of our frustrations concerning the negligent care at the previous hospital. The pregnancy was at a risk category 2, which is the gray area for pregnancies. However, we are keeping our focus upon little nils's situation. 

This is such a tender time for Ashley and I. Of course, we would have chosen differently, but notwithstanding our relationship has deepened significantly as we have wept, cared, prayed, and consulted together. My love and respect for her reached new depths when witnessing her motherly intuition and gumption in the birthing process. She was incredible. 

Lastly, our little guy is such a beautiful boy. His activity is very meek and subdued, which is the result of his condition and medications. We yearn for the day where we can hold and cradle him.

Thank you for all of your love and prayers and phone calls. So many have been so positive and caring and we have been uplifted. I'll try to send updates as I can.

Love, 

Nils, Ash and nils

I had to pull over because I was overcome with emotion - I started bawling! It was like all the worry and fear I had for baby Nils combined with my sadness that my brother had to experience this and my feelings of helplessness surfaced all at once as I read it. Nils is so sweet and tender and amazing, although that word feels very inadequate! Baby Nils is incredibly lucky to have my bother as a dad and Ashley as a mom. They are committed to each other and they are committed to goodness. Through this particular text my heart was touched in a way that I can't really explain and I made a commitment to myself to be better, to be softer and to get more familiar with my spiritual self again.

Which leads me to Poppy. The last few days have been all about baby Nils AND it's been impossible to not think about Poppy. I hope she is okay. I hope we are prepared for whatever happens - not only when she's born but throughout her life - which is crazy because I know parents can't be prepared for everything. I hope Erin and I work well together and chommunicate as things come up with Poppy. I hope we handle life with kindness and grace and openness. 

I am excited for Poppy to meet her cousin. They will be six months apart. I imagine how I am going to be annoying and try to pose them together during holidays and stuff. I imagine them calling each other to talk about life. I imagine them being great friends - just as I was great friends with my cousins.

There is a lot of uncertainty in life and in parenting and in everything. But among the things I am sure of - I am sure that Poppy (and baby Nils) is very lucky to be born into the Nelson family! The last 2 days have reminded me of the bond my family shares. We show up for each other no matter what. It doesn't matter the reason - sickness, coming out of the closet, work functions, weddings, relationship issues, speaking engagements, babies - it doesn't matter the what. And it doesn't matter where we are. Right now my family is spread out across the country and still, we find a way to connect and support each other! I feel so lucky and incredibly blessed to be apart of my family and so glad Poppy is going to be apart too!

I guess to end I should give Nils a proper birth announcement.

Nils Wooly Nelson was born October 11, 2016 at 12:38am. 8lbs 4oz and 22 inches long. Welcome to our family, little buddy. I can hardly wait to meet you!

Perfect baby boy

Baby holding his dads finger. The sweetest thing I've ever seen.

Look at that hair!

Feminist Army

1. 
   
   

   This week we went to a Women's Funding Alliance event. The topic -

   Intergenerational Feminism. It was an incredible couple hours hearing about what it means to be a feminist. There were 4 women on a panel - all born in a different decade. It was sooo cool and informative and felt particularly important as we prepare for Poppy to get here.

   
   

   Feminist is sometimes viewed as a bad word and not a popular thing to be. Perhaps it has a male hating vibe or something. History books label women that fought for women's rights as social deviants. But check out the definition. Every person - man and woman should identify with being a feminist! 

   
   

   fem·i·nist

   ˈfemənəst/

   1. 
      
      
      

      adjective, Sometimes, feministic

      1.
      

      advocating social, political, legal, and economic rights for womenequal to those of men.

      noun

      2.
      

      an advocate of such rights.

   Pam Eakes, who is now one of my heroes, was one of the panelists. Look her up - she'll become a hero of yours too. She spoke about wanting so badly to pass the torch of strong feminism to younger generations. I felt like she talking directly to me. I want that torch! I welcome it! I want to fight for women and girls to have every opportunity - I want it for me, for Erin, for all of our friends and family - but I especially want it for baby girl! 

   
   

   I want to be clear, I want to fight for women and girls for the men and boys in my life too! Fighting for women and girls allows everyone to be a more complete person and allows everyone, regardless of gender, to live a more authentic life. I hear things said to men and boys like, 'man up', 'be a man', 'don't cry - be tough'. I hear things like, 'don't be a girl' and 'you're such a pussy' which are meant to be demeaning and insulting and I hear things like 'you should grow a pair' which is said to encourage toughness. It's crazy how we shape our boys and girls with our language. 

   
   

   Which leads me to the Presidential race. 

   
   

   Today it was brought to all of our attention that one of the Presidential candidates (one of the TWO candidates) said that he can "grab them (women) by the pussy." He talked about fucking married women (his words, not mine) and describing a woman by her 'new tits.' People love him. And my baby girl is going to be born in 6 months.

   
   

   Truth be told, my naive self envisions a perfect world for her - but our world is far from perfect. We need to stop pointing at others and saying someone else and/or the system is the problem - because we can't do anything about other people and we can't snap our fingers and change the system. We can change ourselves - we can speak differently (or stop staying silent), we can open our hearts and minds and arms to people who are different than us. We can learn about people who aren't like us and expand ourselves. If we teach our girls to love themselves and our boys to be good people (instead of the idea that boys will be boys) I think things will start changing!

   
   

   Today it feels more important than ever to get Hillary Clinton elected as the next President of the United States! Not only because I admire and respect her and believe in what she will do but we can't validate the beliefs of that man! Having him as President will make it scarier to be a woman - it will make it harder for by unborn baby girl.  It would put a huge approval stamp on our current rape culture. It will take women back decades!
   
   But lets be clear, when Hillary is elected there will still be a lot of work to be done!

   
   

   Ny friend Norma breaks it down:

   
   

   I worked as a bartender and a server for many years, and men have said so many horrible, demeaning things to me and women I've worked with. I'd take it usually with a deep sigh or an eye roll when I headed back to the kitchen. Sometimes, with nothing. Mostly, I'd shrug them off with coworkers during or after, licking my wounds with rocks, salt, and a lime. 

   I worked in the Capitol, and received my fair share of pats on the ass, off-putting winks, and unsolicited advances. Sometimes it was fun. Sometimes it was dangerous. Sometimes it was scary. Sometimes I told people, and sometimes that got me in trouble. Sometimes I told no one because the situation felt like a threat to my future or career. 

   I work in party politics and I get called a girl. I get looked up and down, I get my qualifications and credentials questioned. I get harassed on social media. Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I deserve it. Sometimes I get really angry. Mostly, I make every effort not to care because I know how important our work is, combined and intertwined, and that our work is always going to have divots carved out by differences and ignorance. Our work won't be done, ever, and so sometimes I ignore the offenses by my own blue team because I can: I have immense privilege, I have immense access, and I have immense opportunity should I choose to pursue it with thick skin and a duck's back. 

   So now, we're all faced with a man who uses concepts of violence in both combat and disregard against everyone other than himself. This latest assault, "grab her by the pussy", is haunting. We're all faced with denouncing this kind of sexual violence from a presidential candidate, and I'm glad. Denounce the fuck out of it. But, if you aren't aware, this behavior happens to women all around you, every day. It doesn't end when the camera stops, just as state violence against black men doesn't end there, either. 

   And, if you're a woman going through this shit, who feels a trigger by the fact that a presidential candidate is a culprit much like the bro who made you feel uncomfortable enough to dial 911 and keep your finger hovering above dial while you're walking through LODO, much like a date who grabs your arm when you tell him you don't want to stay the night, much like any person who makes you feel small when you speak up: unhinge. Yes, we go high, and if that feels right, keep going high. But, sometimes, there's also space for speaking up, finding an ally, and saying, "Fuck politeness." You deserve it, and I hope you find a space to say it, even though you shouldn't have to find a fucking space.

   
   

   I hope all my family and friends welcome the identity of feminist!  We need to build an army! There is so much at stake - for starters, every woman's safety. 

   Little Poppy and all the other little babies - boys and girls - are depending on US - not someone else - they are depending on US to create a better world. Let's get to it!
   
   And lets start by electing Hillary Clinton!