Harley Boy

My heart is broken. Harley isn't with us anymore. We had to put him down on Monday - details about why later - and I honestly feel broken about it! I have tried to stay distracted the last couple days and I've been intentional about staying focused on other things - but today we received a sweet card in the mail from our vet, the vet that put him down, and his paw print was enclosed. I absolutely lost it.

I am so incredibly sad and describing my feelings like that feels like a complete understatement. Harley boy has been my best friend for the last 9 years. He's been the best and most unconditional friend I've ever had, no doubt.

I got Harley soon after I moved to Seattle. I actually lived in Bothell when I got him. He became a great listener from the start - I didn't give him a choice. I would talk and talk and talk to him. I would talk to him about my family and how I missed home. He heard all about my confusion regarding the (Mormon) church and about the relationship I had with my girlfriend at the time (who was a dog mom to Harley for the length of our relationship) - and about the relationship I had with myself and God and all sorts of other things too. I was sure he understood everything I ever told him and he seemed to validate every feeling. Dogs are magic like that. Harley became my favorite adventure partner - probably because it seemed he always wanted to do what I wanted to do. We went on so many walks and hikes and swims and drives and I thought he was the best cuddler. Harley and I had so many good times together AND he also saw me through some major bad days. Accepting my gayness (opposed to knowing I was gay) certainly brought on unanticipated depression that Harley seemed to single handedly get me through. He's the reason I got out of bed many mornings - more mornings than I'd like to admit. He was the shoulder I cried on when I didn't know who to call and he was who I celebrated many of my victories with. He loved me even when I was a huge jerk and he was excited to see me even when I had no pep in my step or was away for just a minute or two. He was always up for anything as long as we were together. I could do no wrong to Harley. I certainly hope to become the person I was to him.

Although Harley was perfect for me he had aggression problems which made it hard to have him in the rest of my life.  We went to different trainers over the years and all of them said that Harley would always be an unpredictable dog. They said he had a wiring issue that some dogs just have. That made us nervous to have him around Jette and frankly, Erin was nervous around him too and rightfully so. She has been victim of Harley's unpredictableness more than a couple times - and so have many of our family and friends (which I am embarrassed to admit). We started thinking about finding him a new family before Jette was born and learned that wouldn't be an easy task. We learned that it would a liability unless we get a legal document drawn up that verified we had shared his history - which we would have obviously done but we learned that the likelihood of getting him rehomed with the required legal document would be nearly impossible. We also learned that if we did rehome him we'd have to be incredibly careful - a dog like him is a dog fighters dream. Harley is the perfect bait dog - which essentially means a dummy dog dog fighters use. Basically bait dogs are thrown into a cage with a killer dog until the bait dog is killed. Heart breaking. Apparently Seattle is a popular place dog fighters look for bait dogs. Mortifying.

The deciding factor to put Harley down was that he tore a ligament in his back leg about a month ago. We were playing fetch in the back yard and he came back to me limping. I ended up taking him to an animal orthopedic surgeon (didn't know that was a thing) and learned that it would have cost $6000ish to repair his ligament AND we learned that he had developed a degenerative condition that made it 'very likely' for the ligaments in his other legs to go out within the next 12-18 months. That meant that even if we could find him a great family, that family would be 'very likely' responsible to pay $6k-$24k to fix Harley's 3 other legs in the near future, according to the animal orthopedic surgeon.

Despite the details of why, it was the hardest and worst decision to make. I feel guilty and sad and heartbroken. At the same time I feel so incredibly thankful for him. He was often a jerk and bit too many people (sorrrrry if you were one of those peeps) but I loved him so very much! He is certainly among the greatest blessings of my life!

I love my Harley boy!

Our very first picture together - the day I picked Harley to be my pup

Our last picture together - a few hours before I had to say goodbye

A few pictures of our adventures in no particular order:

You can see Harley's little head poking out <3

This was the last picture I took of Harley. It was taken right after I told him what was about to happen and why. I told him I loved him over and over and hugged him. He looked back at my with this smile. I'm going to miss him so, so much!

1 Entire Year

No, no. We didn't make another baby. Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of the day we found out we made a baby. Time is a funny thing - our pregnancy seemed to last forrrrrrever and the last 3 months have gone in a flash and I could recall the day we found out - that entire weekend actually -  just like it was yesterday. A little blurb from the very first blog post:

"On August 7, 2016 we woke up in Roche Harbor - we were at Merry and Ashley's wedding. We were excited to be there and to celebrate the beautiful couple! Erin woke up at 5am - I was already awake when she got up - as she walked to the bathroom I yelled out, "pee on the stick!" I startled her - she was half asleep. I waited in bed. Erin opened the door and told me to come. She shoved a pregnancy test in my face. It was positive. The world froze. I'm going to be a mom. And I get to do it with Erin."



We went whale watching the day before and someone snapped one of my all-time favorite photos of us! <3



Our vacation was incredible. Bliss is Erin's favorite place. She grew up going there. When we started dating she would reference Bliss over and over again. She lit up when she talked about it - she still lights up when she talks about it. She would describe being on the water, playing in the woods and building forts, crabbing,  prawning and clamming. Bliss is quickly becoming one of my favorite places too and I love learning and doing all the things she has explained so many times. This year was particularly special. Words can't describe what it's like to watch your wife show our baby her favorite place.



I've done a better job at staying off social media AND I've been on my phone for other reasons but it's limited. We are close to purchasing a home so I'm currently obsessing over interior design and other house related sites. I'm listening to a book via audible - Ego is the Enemy - and it talks about how screen time particularly social media is doing weird things to the way people think. It makes them believe they are getting a lot more accomplished than they actually are. I won't get in to it - but I totally recommend the book and I totally recommend having less screen time. I've already noticed a positive difference.



Erin is starting work this week. She is at work now. Another adjustment for our family of 3. I talked to her earlier today and asked how she is - she had to go before she could fully answer the question. She's incredibly busy. I am grateful for such a hard working and positive wife. Sometimes I take her goodness for granted - it's become my normal. When I stop and think about it though, goodness gracious, I'm awed by her. She never complains and always shines her light on situations. The way she cares for Jette while caring for herself and for me is incredible.



Jette is getting big! She is 3.5 months and in 6 month clothes. Her legs are getting chubby and I love it. She likes to stand and blow bubbles. She drools like it her job. She will soak through a couple outfits in a day. Sometimes we put a bib on her but she has soaked through the bib AND her shirt. I have no idea where all that saliva comes from. Jette is an incredibly happy baby. She smiles and squeals and talks, talks, talks. All of her sounds are the best. People were right - she isn't sleeping through the night anymore like she was before. She is waking up 1 sometimes 2 times a night and has been for al little over a week. She normally eats and goes back to bed. I'll tell you what though, Erin and I have been super tired! Apparently this is what the majority of parents to new babies go through. 

That's pretty much all I got for the week. We are getting excited to go to Zion National Park over Labor Day. We are meeting my family there.

Until then, I hope sleeping gets a little better. :)