Harley Boy

My heart is broken. Harley isn't with us anymore. We had to put him down on Monday - details about why later - and I honestly feel broken about it! I have tried to stay distracted the last couple days and I've been intentional about staying focused on other things - but today we received a sweet card in the mail from our vet, the vet that put him down, and his paw print was enclosed. I absolutely lost it.

I am so incredibly sad and describing my feelings like that feels like a complete understatement. Harley boy has been my best friend for the last 9 years. He's been the best and most unconditional friend I've ever had, no doubt.

I got Harley soon after I moved to Seattle. I actually lived in Bothell when I got him. He became a great listener from the start - I didn't give him a choice. I would talk and talk and talk to him. I would talk to him about my family and how I missed home. He heard all about my confusion regarding the (Mormon) church and about the relationship I had with my girlfriend at the time (who was a dog mom to Harley for the length of our relationship) - and about the relationship I had with myself and God and all sorts of other things too. I was sure he understood everything I ever told him and he seemed to validate every feeling. Dogs are magic like that. Harley became my favorite adventure partner - probably because it seemed he always wanted to do what I wanted to do. We went on so many walks and hikes and swims and drives and I thought he was the best cuddler. Harley and I had so many good times together AND he also saw me through some major bad days. Accepting my gayness (opposed to knowing I was gay) certainly brought on unanticipated depression that Harley seemed to single handedly get me through. He's the reason I got out of bed many mornings - more mornings than I'd like to admit. He was the shoulder I cried on when I didn't know who to call and he was who I celebrated many of my victories with. He loved me even when I was a huge jerk and he was excited to see me even when I had no pep in my step or was away for just a minute or two. He was always up for anything as long as we were together. I could do no wrong to Harley. I certainly hope to become the person I was to him.

Although Harley was perfect for me he had aggression problems which made it hard to have him in the rest of my life.  We went to different trainers over the years and all of them said that Harley would always be an unpredictable dog. They said he had a wiring issue that some dogs just have. That made us nervous to have him around Jette and frankly, Erin was nervous around him too and rightfully so. She has been victim of Harley's unpredictableness more than a couple times - and so have many of our family and friends (which I am embarrassed to admit). We started thinking about finding him a new family before Jette was born and learned that wouldn't be an easy task. We learned that it would a liability unless we get a legal document drawn up that verified we had shared his history - which we would have obviously done but we learned that the likelihood of getting him rehomed with the required legal document would be nearly impossible. We also learned that if we did rehome him we'd have to be incredibly careful - a dog like him is a dog fighters dream. Harley is the perfect bait dog - which essentially means a dummy dog dog fighters use. Basically bait dogs are thrown into a cage with a killer dog until the bait dog is killed. Heart breaking. Apparently Seattle is a popular place dog fighters look for bait dogs. Mortifying.

The deciding factor to put Harley down was that he tore a ligament in his back leg about a month ago. We were playing fetch in the back yard and he came back to me limping. I ended up taking him to an animal orthopedic surgeon (didn't know that was a thing) and learned that it would have cost $6000ish to repair his ligament AND we learned that he had developed a degenerative condition that made it 'very likely' for the ligaments in his other legs to go out within the next 12-18 months. That meant that even if we could find him a great family, that family would be 'very likely' responsible to pay $6k-$24k to fix Harley's 3 other legs in the near future, according to the animal orthopedic surgeon.

Despite the details of why, it was the hardest and worst decision to make. I feel guilty and sad and heartbroken. At the same time I feel so incredibly thankful for him. He was often a jerk and bit too many people (sorrrrry if you were one of those peeps) but I loved him so very much! He is certainly among the greatest blessings of my life!

I love my Harley boy!

Our very first picture together - the day I picked Harley to be my pup

Our last picture together - a few hours before I had to say goodbye

A few pictures of our adventures in no particular order:

You can see Harley's little head poking out <3

This was the last picture I took of Harley. It was taken right after I told him what was about to happen and why. I told him I loved him over and over and hugged him. He looked back at my with this smile. I'm going to miss him so, so much!