"False positive. You're fine." I started to cry instantly. He told me I didn't need to cry - what he said was good. I told him I couldn't hold it in. I felt so much relief and gratitude and love.
He had gone through my results before I got there. He noticed that I haven't had any symptoms. He also saw that both of my parents have autoimmune disorders - which is likely why my results were positive. He wanted to confirm - he asked how felt. Besides my anxiety, I feel good! He told me that he has considered all of the information and the answer is a false positive.
It's the best thing I have heard since July 5th (aside from we're pregnant, of course). I'm totally healthy! I can now focus on our growing baby and fun things I want to do with my family instead of worrying about my health and wonder about every possibility. Dr. Norman Simon gave me a lot of good information - like I am more likely to have a slightly high result because of my genetics and that women get more false positives than men. Dr Simon said he treats people not blood tests and since I don't have symptoms there is nothing to treat. He walked me through my metabolic blood results - every single line item was normal - which pointed to a false positive ANA test.
Not a lot of what he said made sense because I don't understand medical jargon but he kept reassuring me that I was fine. I interrupted him midsentence and asked if I could hug him. I cried tears of gratitude the entire appointment. Dr. Simon is such a good doctor. Although I didn't understand much (part of that could be because I was so relieved and emotional) he took time to explain things and he was so reassuring - he was personal and had the kindest eyes.
My heart is finally beating at a normal rate. The first time since July 5th. I feel 100 lbs lighter. Instant relief. I am so thankful. I am thankful for my life. For my healthy body. I am thankful for my support network. I am thankful for this little (or giant) scare because I have been introduced to the importance of loving and caring for myself in a much better way.
I am especially grateful that I get to stop worrying about this and use my headspace to focus on my growing family, working hard and creating moments with people I love. Through it all, through all that I do, I will love and care for myself in a better way - Poppy is depending on it!
Poppy - who is now the size of a blueberry - is going to be a well traveled person - and this weekend was his/her first quick weekend getaway to Napa Valley and San Francisco! Well done, Poppy. We went for Sara and Andrea's wedding and got to sneak in a few days to visit Jessica. I swear, not only is Poppy the luckiest to have Erin as a mom but to get Jess (Jami, too) as an auntie?! Home run!
The wedding was amazing. It was at Auberge du Soleil - a gorgeous winery with spectacular views of the valley. It was fancy! It felt good to be there. Sara has been a good friend to both Erin and I and to be there on her wedding day was special for us. Sara looked gorgeous - a beautiful bride, no doubt! Andrea, too! They both seemed so happy and in love!
I was having too much fun I forgot to take a lot pictures...
Sara and Andrea planned a day of wine tasting the day after the wedding (Saturday) but we didn't go - Erin didn't feel super hot so we headed back to San Fran. I'd say Erin not feeling great is the biggest difference this week. She is starting to feel sick - a little queasy - it comes and goes and she seems to do a lot better after she eats. My job is to make sure there are snacks close by - which I need to get better at because I'm not much of a snacker and don't plan ahead. Oh, and her sensitivity to smell is new and quite hilarious!
The kid in front of us was eating Tuna. She thought she was going to die.
San Francisco is the cutest and most charming city. It seems there is shopping and eateries on every street. The people seem friendly and laid back - a lot like Seattle. We had a great time and hope to visit more often. One of my favorite streets was filled with murals - mostly about equality and peace and justice. It seems the fights are the same no matter the city...
My favorite piece of art that I saw. I want this on our front step. I wish this was the motto for the whole world.
And you guys, can I please talk about my sister! Jessica is seriously one of the best people on this planet. Not only did she let us use her car (she must have ubered while we had it) and let us sleep in her bed - she took us around her city, engaged in the best conversations and made us feel so welcome. She did so much for us. She does so much - and that is because she has the best and biggest heart. I love who Jessica iso and feel so happy that she is my sister. I also feel so glad that Poppy will be influenced and loved by someone as kind and warm and good as Jess.
My only hope for next time is that we purchase this pinata and hit it multiple times!
Last night I went to the Brandi Carlile concert. It was so, so good. It was a perfect summer night - perfect temperature, surrounded by good people and Brandi Carlile was fantastic!
Trinity and Marie brought Oliver and of course I had to hold him. He is such a good baby. Incredibly sweet, great temperament and so dang cute. As I was holding him Brandi sang 'The Mother' and I lost it. It was the first time Ive heard it - at least the first time I remember. As she was singing that song it was like someone jumped into my heart and made it grow 100x.
I joke with Erin that I am also pregnant because my emotions seem to be all over the place. Everything makes me cry. I'm holding Oliver, listing to a song about being a mom and imagining my own life with our little Poppy and I start bawling - and I try to hide it because I don't want people to question my sanity which makes me cry even more. :)
The reality of the situation is I have no clue what I am getting myself into. I have ideas about motherhood and the sacrifices Erin and I will be making and all the love and joy that will be coming too. I want all of it. This song seems to capture so many of my thoughts. Enjoy!
Also, a few pics of me and baby Oliver. And the only thing I am sure about in regards to motherhood, we are getting that pack!
The start of week 6 - only 33 to go! Holy moly, time is inching it's way forward. It seems to be going so slow. I don't know if I have been so eager for anything in my entire life which makes the wait torturous. But it is also beautiful. Everyday I get online or go to my trusted app(s) and read about what's happening to little Poppy and I contemplate the miracle of life. I am developing an almost spiritual relationship with Erin's body - I look at it and am in awe that it is growing a baby. I know my body is capable of doing the same thing. Bodies are magic. I have spent time thinking about the amount of time we speak badly or critically about ourselves - how we wish certain parts would look different and how we don't take care of ourselves the way we should. The last 1.5 months has helped transform my critical eye to one that has more appreciation.
Now could be a good time to mention the health scare that I referred to. The short version is that I got blood work done a couple months ago at an annual exam and the results are pointing to Mixed Connective Tissue Disease - a disease I'm quite familiar with because my mom had it. My mom's evolved into scleroderma. Often times MCTD evolves into something else.
I don't know for sure what is happening with me, if anything at all. I see a specialist August 31st and will be able to get a proper diagnosis and/or be told nothing is wrong. I obviously am hoping for the latter. I feel great - absolutely no symptoms so the news came as quite a shock. I went to the doctor to get a mole checked, not because I felt sick or anything - and she decided to do an annual because I hadn't been to the doc for nearly 1.5 years.
I haven't shared this news with many people. At first I didn't share because I was really afraid. The first couple weeks I thought for sure that I was on the same path as my mom and that I was going to die soon. I couldn't sleep and had a hard time eating. Luckily, the combination of a couple weeks passing, lavender capsules, meditation and an incredible loving wife I am feeling much better and determined that everything is going to be just fine! I'm telling more people because it makes it not as scary for me and let's me hear the hope and faith of others. This experience has taught me a lot about myself, has introduced a different kind of relationship with my body - and my soul - and has forced me to depend on others for support. There have been several times I have talked to Erin or reached out to a family member or friend just so I can hear them say that I am strong. I cling to every word - when I am alone driving in my car or when I start to feel nervous I repeat the words that I hear from my support network over and over and it makes me feel better. "I am healthy. I am strong. I am healthy. I am strong" Over and over and over as I fill my lungs with air. That is my newest mantra. I am healthy. I am strong. Plus, I have babies to raise and to show the world to!
Yes, I have babies to raise and to show the world to - what a humbling realization.
I have a mental list of all the things I want to teach Poppy. I'm giddy with excitement to once again experience the miracles that are all around me through the eyes and experiences of Poppy. I can't wait to be with a perfect little person and to learn and to adapt and to love. That amount of love I imagine feeling for this baby is intimidating. I anticipate feeling like my heart might burst.
My work feels more important now - not only because I want to do a good job so I can provide well for my growing family but I want to help create a world that is more loving and just - a world that will better be able to support the hopes and dreams of our baby - a world that respects our baby the same as the black and brown babies that are being born. I want to be part of creating a world that is more worthy of being home to our perfect little baby.
The last 1.5 months have without a doubt created a whirlwind of emotions. I have had more thoughts, a lot contradicting, than any other 1.5 months of my life. But here I am today grateful for all of it. I mean how could I not be.
Harley has 33 more weeks of being the baby of the house. Don't get used to this, bud. That little thing in moms belly is soon going to take your place!
Until next week, go spread your light and love to someone who needs it. And be kinder to yourself.
The kiss that sealed the deal one year ago today. Holy moly, I can't believe it's been a year. Time flies, no doubt. Cheers to the last 365 days and cheers to many, many more!
The last year has been the best of my life. And it isn't because it's all been sunshine and roses - a lot of it has but some of it hasn't. It's been the best year of my life because I have become a better person - with some hiccups, I've become more of the person that I have always wanted to be. My personal self, my professional self, my physical, emotional, mental and spiritual self have all taken steps forward. I'm not positive but I think that's what a love like the love Erin gives me does to a person. The love she gives me makes it easier to love myself, to take risks, to be honest - even when it's hard, to knock down walls and to live with an open heart. The last year has been a great ride and I look forward to whatever comes our way.
During the last year we: got married (duh)! honeymooned in Costa Rica and NYC, joined finances, bought a car (together), put a few offers on different home (we still rent), learned how to communicate better, took a few cooking classes, we both took major steps in our careers, planned for the future and MADE A BABY - of course lots of things in between - but today I am realizing what a busy and successful year we've had. Good job, babe!
To celebrate the first year of marriage, we left for the weekend and headed west to camp on the WA coast. It was a good idea but poor execution. It turned out to be freezing - which would have been fine if it wasn't 85 degrees in Seattle - so we came home a day early and spent yesterday (Sunday) golfing, paddle boarding and bbqing in the sun. Great combo weekend of a few of our favorite things.
The sunset was incredible driving in Friday night. We felt extremely blessed and started rattling off potential baby names!
Night #1 packing location. Perfect spot.
For night #2 we hiked down to the beach. It was all fine and good - and BEAUTIFUL. We had a great spot - set up our tent and hammock, had a great cooking set up and a few places for a fire. But then around 2pmish a giant cloud and intense gusts of wind set in. We waited it out for a bit but by 6pm we decided to pack up and go. We didn't want to stay in the tent all night and we didn't bring warm enough clothes to stay outside.
We were all smiles even though it didn't quite pan out the way we planned
This weekend also marked the beginning of week 5 of pregnancy. We aren't out of the miscarriage danger time but we are having a hard time not sharing the news with our family and close friends. We decided that waiting isn't very important to us. If something were to happen and we were to miscarry, having love and support would be nice. We have an amazing support network - people that support us and share the good times and the hard times.
Little Poppy has more than doubled in size. Poppy is now the size of an orange seed and little orange seed is growing a tail - which makes Erin laugh. Erin feels bloated and her boobs are more sensitive (she kind of LOVES that) but nothing else. She is doing cross fit and/or running daily and is still making me delicious meals on the regular. I'm convinced that I would be a wimp - at minimum asking for extra massages or something but not Erin. Erin is superwoman!
Now, to highlight some of my favorite moments of my favorite day!
The night ended with a multiple hour dance party that was the best I've ever seen!
I promise, I will NOT write everyday even though I might want to. But I have to write today because we had our first appointment at Ballard Midwifery - which is a midwife service through Swedish Hospital. Erin is pretty set on getting our care through a midwife - I don't care either way - particularly after today's visit! I didn't understand the entire role of a midwife. I thought it was more of a hippie approach - for lack of a better description - but after today I realize that I was wrong and that I am (again) grateful for Erin and that she has taken the time to look into different options. It seems the service they provide is totally our style. Plus, it's 5 minutes away from our house. SCORE (before Erin and I knew when we wanted to get pregnant I had nightmares about her going into labor and us getting stuck in Seattle traffic and having to deliver a baby myself - ridiculous, I know)!
We didn't get any information on little Poppy - today's visit was more of an introduction to the clinic. There were a couple other couples there - all due around the same time as us. It was nice to hear the questions from other people and it was nice to have casual interactions with some of the women who will be providing our care for the next 9 months and beyond.
Erin and I drove to the appointment together but she went for a run from the doc's office and I went to work. I became a puddle of emotion as I drove away. I have an overwhelming amount of gratitude for the technology that is allowing us to have a family and for my body - Erin's too - that has allowed us and is continuing to allow us to experience life. I have had a recent health scare - which I will get into at some point but for now I will say that the importance of feeling gratitude for what we can do rather than any disappointment for what we can't do has been magnified. I get to be a mom - holy moly!!!! I GET TO ME A MOM! And I get to do it with Erin.
Guys, go give someone a hug today or make a list of things you're grateful for or look in the mirror and tell every single part of you that it's beautiful.
Spread the things you want the world to be - and eventually the world will be it.
On August 7, 2016 we woke up in Roche Harbor - we were at Merry and Ashley's wedding. We were excited to be there and to celebrate the beautiful couple! Erin woke up at 5am - I was already awake when she got up - as she walked to the bathroom I yelled out, "pee on the stick!" I startled her - she was half asleep. I waited in bed. Erin opened the door and told me to come. She shoved a pregnancy test in my face. It was positive. The world froze. I'm going to be a mom. And I get to do it with Erin.
Then I danced. I am going to be a mom. And I get to do it with Erin!
I intend to write about the process. I don't want to forget any of the details AND I want to continue to remind myself that dreams come true. Also, I want my babies to have documentation about this journey, I want them to know how much they are already loved and how they are already the luckiest to have Erin as a mother.
But let's back up.
Let's start with our sperm donor.
So - it isn't a secret that I've wanted to a mom longer than I can remember. When I came out of the closet the hardest part was thinking I couldn't be a mom. I didn't know I could be gay and be a mom. The bubble I lived in still amazes me. My heart broke over and over thinking about the future because when I thought about it, it didn't involve kids. I wanted it to I just didn't know how it could. But then I shared those thoughts with my friend Kolby the summer after my sophomore year of college - Kolby is also a gay Mormon - and he eased my fears and told me that it was possible. He told me that when I was ready to have kids he'd help me. I thought about that conversation with Kolby many times throughout the years and held on to the hope he gave me.
When Erin and I decided we wanted kids we went back and forth about wanting to have an anonymous or known donor. People told us things would get messy if we knew the donor. What if the donor wanted to take the kid? Or what if he wanted to have a say in what happens with the kid? Valid fears but that didn't feel right to either of us. We want our kid(s) to have as many people as possible to love and support them and we want them to know their dad. So one night I mentioned Kolby. I went on and on about him and Erin was just as excited as I was. So I emailed him. Keep in mind, aside keeping tabs on each other on social media, we hadn't spoken in 5+ years...
On Feb 5, 2016 I sent this:
Hi Kolby,
I hope this email finds you happy, healthy and enjoying life the way I know you like to.
So, there is no easy/comfortable way to ask what I am about to ask so I’ll just get to it. My wife and I are wanting to have a baby and we are looking for a sperm donor and are curious if that is something you’d consider. You’re the first person on the list and there are a lot of reasons why – reasons we would be happy to share if you’re interested in knowing them.
If there is any consideration perhaps we could schedule some calls or fly you out here or we’d come to you to have conversations about what this could/would mean, the process, etc.
I realize there might be a lot to think about so no pressure on getting back to us immediately. Regardless of how this moves forward, I have nothing but love and respect for you! Obviously, I'm asking for your sperm! Haha
Four days later we got a response:
Hey Mrs. and Mrs. Chelsea and Erin,
First off, congratulations to the both of you on your amazing accomplishments! I felt like I was on your honeymoon as I followed your invigorating getaway. I'm glad you survived the waves at Jaco Beach.
Secondly, I must say that this email came as a surprise when I first read it this weekend while I was at a picture perfect winter wonderland lesbian wedding in Vermont. The setting was really quite appropriate. But somehow I've never forgotten the fun loving yet serious summer '06 conversation we had about me being your sperm donor someday. You were the first and last person I've ever consciously/sub-consciously considered.
While it took great inhibitions to not whimsically respond to your message right away, I felt it more respectful for all of us that I mull it over in my head a few days. I'm really glad that I have. I've had some unsuspected feelings come up that I couldn't have planned, and suspect it's normal to encounter such feelings around the incredible creation of life.
I'm humbled for my consideration. I would be honored to be involved in blessing a child with you as their moms. I've always thought that Chelsea would make a great mother, and I don't think she could've chosen a more
beautiful bride than Erin.
Lastly, I wouldn't be honest if I didn't tell you that this decision would have a profound impact on my life. The most staggering implication I've experienced so far is a consistent, uncontrolled aspiration to raise my bar and do and be me just a little better. While a single and positive example, it illustrates the magnitude of influence and the importance of adaptability amongst affected parties.
Regardless of how this moves forward, I have nothing but love and respect for you! Obviously, I'm considering giving you my sperm! Haha 😘
Kolby Kent Nelson
I read the email to Erin. We both got a little teary. I mean, the way he expresses himself is beautiful! We immediately started talking about how we hope our baby gets his talents of expression! Erin said something about loving him already. If I wasn't secure in my relationship, I might feel a little threatened. :)
That was the start of an amazing conversation which eventually led to Kolby becoming a part of our growing family. He made a trip to Seattle and stayed for a week, donated sperm and made us giddy excited! We are humbled he was so willing to help us expand our family - truly the greatest gift we've ever received - and we are delighted that he will be apart of our lives forever!
This was the first time Erin met Kolby in person. She kept checking him out - she even noticed his toes, haha
Fast forward to Friday, July 22nd. We had to pick up the sperm at the lab because we were going to inseminate on the following Sunday. We were out of town - in Walla Walla. We hurried home to get to the clinic before it closed. It was a pretty funny experience.
Our first family photo. The tank is perfectly strapped in in the back.
A 35 lbs tank for a tiny vile of sperm.
Now fast forward to July 24, 2016. We woke up early so we could have a little time to ourselves. We talked about what kind of parents we want to be (for maybe the millionth time) and how our lives will never be the same. It was such a special morning - and then we took this video minutes before the midwife came.
We have been working with our midwife for a couple of months. I highly recommend a midwife for lesbian couples who are trying to get pregnant. She came to our house - which was awesome. It felt so special and intimate. I kept having thoughts of amazement - how the hell does sperm and an egg create a child. It blows my mind. But it obviously works because hello! We're pregnant!
It felt like quite the science project. We opened the tank and it started to smoke.
So we took the contents in that tiny little vile, put it in Erin and just like that, we're pregnant! WTF. The procedure we used, if you're interested, is called intrauterine insemination - or IUI. Look it up!
To say we are excited would be the understatement of the year.
I am so grateful for Erin - she has been so diligent in learning about her body. This ovulation thing is no joke. We had to get it perfectly - we had one shot - we don't have the luxury of an unlimited amount of sperm. The way Erin has tracked her cycle, the way she has cared for herself, for me and for our future kid(s) is amazing. Marrying Erin is the best thing I have ever done - and the best thing I will ever do - and this experience has reconfirmed that many times.
This weekend is our 1 year wedding anniversary and it feels particularly special now that we know we have a little one on the way. We've gone through a lot already - have had things to work through, have learned about forgiveness and patience - and we've had more fun and have made incredible memories to last a lifetime.
I am loving this moment AND I am so eager to meet that little thing that is growing in her belly.
