Sleepovers

Jette is having a sleepover at grandma and papa's house tonight. Sometimes sleepovers feel like a nice break - a mini vacation and a chance to sleep in in the morning. But I miss her tonight. I miss her to the point that I'm sitting on her bed while I blog. Cute? I don't know. It mostly feels ridiculous (but I'm staying on her bed).

She is continuing to blow my mind and expand my heart. The last few weeks we've learned that she has a lot of her books memorized, has learned new songs (baba black sheep is a new favorite), is putting more sentences together and seems to understand more feelings. A few favorite game is calling out an emotion and making a face that displays that particular emotion. Sad, happy, surprised, excited, scared. It's pretty cute. Her imagination is continuing to develop - story time before bed is turning in to one of my favorite parts of the day. Last night her animals were taking turns on the balance beam - aka the bin in her room where we put her animals and blankets. Jette is a happy kid who is in the 'what's that' stage. She wants to know what everything is - especially the things that are in her books.

We have taken her swimming twice in the last few weeks and are eager for upcoming lessons. She is loving the water and so far is fearless (which makes me a bit fearful). She is playing more by herself (which is cute and a sign of growing up so I have mixed feelings), having stronger opinions about what she wears and is still waking up between 5-5:30am. All of it is the best and hard and tiring and rewarding and I wouldn't change it for anything and I sometimes wish we had a lived in nanny.

I'm excited for her to be sleeping in her bed tomorrow.

February

I wonder if January felt like 5 years long to anyone else. What is it with this month?!

We started the month in Hawaii and it was the way Hawaii always seems to be - amazing! Island time, being in the sun and watching Jette in the ocean and on the beach was good for the soul. The kid is fearless - she asked Erin and I to leave her alone "bye mama" so she could do things on her own. Not a chance kiddo - you're not swimming in the ocean by yourself-not yet!


Erin and I had some time without J - we got to leave her with Cynthia and Bruce. A few happy hours and walks on the beach with Er was nice. We tried to talk about things that didn't revolve around Jette - it was hard to do but we managed - at least for a few minutes at a time.

A few things about J that we don't want to forget. These days Jette is wanting to literally climb into her books and hold things that are on the pages. She doesn't quite understand that she can't eat the icecream that is on the page so she licks it and then asks why she can’t taste it. Her imagination is starting to take off and we love experiencing it with her. She makes us food in her kitchen and when we're at the park we often find a make shift drive up window and she serves us homemade chicken and coffee, normally a handful of sand. She is learning a lot - new words everyday! She studies our lips and will rattle off any word we ask her to say. Hippopotamus and rhinoceros are among my favorites - but interesting and ridiculous are also toward the top of my list. There are a few things she says wrong and we secretly hope she does forever because it's so cute and endearing. Like when she sees a dog she squeals, "pep it!" because she wants to pet it. She sings a lot of songs but ABCs seems to be the current fave because she sings it often, loudly and proudly. She can count to 10 and a lot of things seem to scare her these days. She calls Erin and I by our names instead of by mom or mama and we mostly think it's funny but hope it stops soon (doesn’t every mom want to be called mom?!). She knows a lot of her colors and can point out a handful of letters. She loves her best friend Maggie and she likes going to Erin's gym, little gym, her school and to church where she gets to play with other kids.

Jette is starting to love stories at night. We read a few books, sing a few songs and tell a few stories. She mostly wants to hear stories about a baby named Jette but sometimes she wants to hear a story about her mamas or a neighborhood dog or a family member - last night she wanted to hear a story about a pineapple. It was fascinating watching her listen and notice how the talking pineapple came to life in her imagination. It's also been fun for me to come up with stories on the fly. I'd say I've gotten a bit better since the first story I told.

We took Jette on her first city bus ride yesterday. J woke up at 4am and Erin and I needed to do something to help the time pass. We got on just after 7:00, found a new breakfast spot, went to a park, met some friends and saw some ducks - all before 9am. It was a fun family adventure - it was mostly fun to see the proud look on Jette's face.


Being her mom is just the best and time is going incredibly fast!

And now for something else that is on my mind. Something that I have to get out somewhere so it's landing on my blog...



We call Kolby, Jette's dad, every few weeks and yesterday was one of those days. We chatted for awhile and he shared a recent experience.

A few weeks ago Kolby was invited to go to someone else's family party (I'm keeping this vague because I don't want to put the family on blast). He knows some of the people in the family better than others and cares for a lot of them. There were kids and adults at this party and Kolby was being the way he always is - fun, happy, engaging and interactive. People were singing karaoke and when that was done he sang a song for the kids - a song that he learned for Jette over the holidays.

From what I understand from the story he was sitting on the floor singing the song and holding on to the kids and dancing and swinging them. He started swinging a little boy - a toddler - and toddlers dad made a scene and the night ended with conversations about how the parents of this little boy don't want Kolby to influence him.

I have been bummed out all day today. Our world desperately needs more good men (men like Kolby!) and this little toddler seems to be growing up in a home where love is limiting, being different than mom and dad is not okay and he's learning it's okay to treat some people better than others based on who they love. It seems like a perfect recipe for either depression, bullying and/or toxic masculinity. And the thing is, there are so many homes that are like that. This one just hits me harder because Kolby was involved. And let me say it again, toddlers dad became paranoid when Kolby was INTERACTING WITH THE KID. Kolby was on the floor singing, laughing and dancing. If only all kids were lucky enough to have adults that get on the floor to play.

I don't know how to articulate how I feel about what happened to Kolby.   First, it makes me wonder how people feel about Jette having two moms. People in our close circle are loving and supportive, of course, but what about other people? What about her future teachers and the parents of her friends? Do and will people pity her? The truth of those hard questions is that probably a lot of people will - and learning how to handle that is a thing. It also makes me mad at the systems that teach us what love is and how they reinforce the way society tells us boys and men and girls and women should be. It makes me mad at my childhood church. It also makes me incredibly thankful that I'm gay. I cant be certain but it is quite possible that I would be like that toddlers dad if I weren't gay - harsh and judgmental. My gayness nearly killed me because I would have done anything and nearly tried everything to get rid of it. At the brink of my own death I decided to try and accept it - to put as much energy into loving myself as I did at trying to get rid of my gayness - and after years of struggle I came out on the other side. But coming out on the other side meant I had to learn who I was without the church that gave me purpose. That was just as hard as coming out. But I count it - the deconstruction and reconstruction of my spiritual self - as one of the greatest blessings of my life. It made me open my heart and mind, it led me to be kinder to myself and others, it led to the creation of beautiful friendships with people from all walks of life. So all of that to say that I can understand why people are so cruel but it also breaks my heart, especially for the kids who are being raised and influenced with so much ignorance.

I feel especially thankful for Kolby today and I feel Jette is beyond lucky to have the chance to be influenced by him. I wish more people had that chance. Our world would be better, no question.

Here's the song he was singing when the scene happened. And this video was taken the day after they learned it - they learned it was one of Jette's favorites and wanted to play it for her before we headed back to Seattle. <3

2019

It's the first night of 2019 and one of my resolutions in relation to better self care is to get back on the blog. I love blogging - having our pregnancy documented week by week is special. It allows me remember things that I'd otherwise forget and honestly, I am a better, more intentional person when I sit down with myself and see what's going on in my heart and mind.

The new year showed up at the perfect time for me. I'm ready to take all I learned in 2018 and walk into the new year determined, hopeful and thankful.  I'm not sure what it is about a new year opposed to a new day that gives this kind of fresh outlook and idea of a new start. Whatever it is though, I'm thankful for it. This year will be better than last. I will be kinder, healthier, spend more time doing things that fill my soul and with people that build me up. I will forgive myself and others more easily and spend my energy trying to do my part to make the world a bit better in a more intentional way. And I'll blog about it to keep myself accountable!

I'm going to keep this short. I have a desire to try and recap everything that has happened since my last blog post. Quick summary: Some of it was great. Some of it was hard. There was a job change, vocal cord paralysis, home projects, being obsessed with all the new things Jette learned to say or do, there was a lot of listening and learning and growing and a lot of forgiving, there was a lot of saying "STOP THROWING YOUR FOOD!" as calmly as possible.

2018 was wonderful and inspiring in a lot of ways. This year a spotlight shined light on some of the beautiful things in the world, in my family and in myself. 2018 was also hard and heartbreaking in a lot of ways - because of the same spotlight. I'm glad I got to experience it all.

And now it's 2019. Here we go. And here's my 2019 motto!

13 months

Jette is 13.5 months. She runs, dances, seems to love finding little places to sit (a stepstool, pillow, the curb or a step) and claps after she sits. It's really cute to watch her. She carefully backs up (oh yeah, she's learned how to walk backward), puts her little booty against what she's going to sit on and then plops down. She is trying to jump, she puts nearly everything up to her ear and pretends to talk on whatever the item is, she gives hugs, she says dog, nana (for grandma and banana), ball, shoe, mama, papa and pu instead of up. She understands a lot. We can tell her to get a book and her shoes and she walks straight to the bathroom when we ask if she wants to take a bath. She knows where her nose is along with her belly button and toes. She does downward dog when we say 'yoga baby' and she sometimes gives hugs and kisses when we ask.

She is developing strong opinions. She knows what she likes and she knows what she doesn't like - and she isn't afraid to let us know. She rather be outside than inside and it seems she rather eat dirt than a lot of actual food. She is becoming more picky of an eater but we're committed to continue giving her all sorts of foods -even when a lot of them end up on the floor. She giggles more and her giggles are my absolute favorite.

Parenting is still becoming more fun for me. I hear it is going to be that way until teenage years. If that is the case, I am in for the time of my life because everyday seems to be a little better than the last because more of her little personality comes out. I love being a mom - it is even better than I imagined. I gotta say though, staying connected to Erin is harder than I thought. We are constantly working on it and it is hard. I feel lucky to have her and I'm thankful I get to do life with her. She is my best friend - I just wish I got to see my best friend friend a bit more.

Luckily we are going to Vancouver this weekend! <3

1 Year Old

I am weepy and I haven't really said anything yet. Just thinking about the last year has the (grateful and where the heck has the last year gone) tears rolling. My baby girl had her 1st birthday on Tuesday. One year ago from right now I had a 4 day old baby. A year ago from now I was in shock, I was overwhelmed and felt way in over my head. I was in love - in love with Jette but mostly in love with Erin. She had just done the most incredible thing I had ever been apart of - and I'm not just talking about the birth, although she was wonder woman during it, - she was incredible the entire pregnancy.

It took me a few weeks, maybe a few months, to let my new normal settle in. I thought I had prepared my entire life to me a mom but I quickly learned that I was ill prepared. I mean, we had all the stuff and I had more love for my new baby than I knew what to do with but let's get real, I missed Erin at first. I didn't anticipate the changes that would occur in our relationship. When baby came focus (obviously) changed. Our pregnancy was one of the most beautiful times of our relationship. We spent more time together than usual. We planned and prepared for baby and talked about every little thing. I was in constant awe of Erin as she cared for herself and our little nugget she was growing inside of her. I knew she'd be the best mom because of the way she cared for herself during the pregnancy. And I was right. From the first second Jette arrived (actually, not the first second because Erin was passed out. She woke up about 30 seconds after J arrived) Erin has been the very best mom.

Jette has obviously changed our dynamic and yeah, it was an adjustment at first. But you guys, being a mom is the coolest thing I have ever done and I feel confident it is the coolest thing I will ever do.

I have learned so much about myself. I am a better person in a lot of ways. It's incredible how this little human has influenced me even though she isn't able to speak. It feels my life has a bigger purpose. I am more committed to find and amplify the good in myself and others because I hope so much that Jette will do the same. I get excited to show her new things. I rush home at the end of the day so I can hang out with her as long as I can before she goes to sleep.

So what's new with her? She is walking and saying a couple words. Mama and dog for sure. We gave her a little basketball hoop for her birthday and she already knows where the ball goes (and I die every time). Her favorite toys seems to be socks and cardboard boxes. She has 7 or 8 teeth. She continues to be a great eater. She started swim lessons - has had 3 so far - and seems to like it. She spent last weekend in Utah with my family and loved being with her cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. I loved watching her with all of them. It certainly made me miss home and wish that Jette had cousins closer.

This last year has been the best, most challenging, most rewarding, self reflective year I've had yet. I am thankful for it. I am thankful for the opportunity to be Jette's mom. I am thankful I get to do it with Erin. I'm excited to continue to get to know Jette and learn all of the things she has to teach me.

Sooo - happy 1st birthday to my baby girl. My birthday wish for her is that she will continue to learn and grow and shine. I am eager for the memories that we'll make and I'm excited to see how our relationship develops and grows. I love you.

A few pictures of our trip to Utah.

My mom has been asking Erin to give her a Chelsea haircut for a few years now. Finally happened.

Addi and Ben teaching J how to be a big kid

Kolby's family came to the party to spend time with us. Jette is a lucky baby to have a 3rd set of grandparents!

My sibs on our walk to church. I love them.

Missing mom and Jess but loved this day at the park

CAKE SMASH!

11 Months

Jette is 11 months and a week old and she has officially won me over. I mean, she did before now but it's different. We joke, we play hide and seek and our own version of tag. I can teach her things like how to turn around to go down the stairs and then she does it (and she teaches me things like how to get excited about nearly everything). She took 3 steps yesterday without holding on to anything. Erin and I freaked out. We were beaming with pride! I am so glad we were both there to see it.

She dances, she claps, she falls forward on the pillows, love sac and couch. She lets me know when she wants to go outside to her swing. She does a pretty impressive downward dog and points at every single thing and say's , 'eh?' It seems she's asking what everything is. She likes lights and is obsessed with dogs and cats. She eats at the table with us and seems to like most everything we eat. To put simply, Jette is a bright light in our home and in my heart.

We went to church this morning. We found a church close by - Eastlake Community Church - and I love it. Today the discussion was about the resurrection - not so much Christ resurrecting but how it is possible for us to resurrect every single day. I love the concept and it feels so relevant to me in my life right now. Put the old away and step into my current full and whole self. Love it (and so thankful we've found a place that feels welcoming and safe) So in the vein of it being Easter I have a wish for Jette. My wish for her is that she is exactly who she is and is confident in it. And then when who she is changes - or ideas/beliefs of hers change my wish for her that she steps into that. I hope she’s always exactly who she is and I hope that I can help provide a space for her that supports her ever changing self.

Saying I love being Jette's mom is the understatement of the year. It was hard at first - didn’t know if I was cut out for it for a little while - but now I am completely into it - more than Ive been into anything. That little human has taught me more than anyone else. She absolutely makes me a better person. She motivates and inspires me. And goodness gracious, she makes me laugh!

I can hardly believe that next month marks 1 year. Wow!

10 Months

Jette is 10 months old.

Jette is 10 months old.

Where has the time gone?

She is crawling, standing, waving - waving to whoever will give her attention, she reaches for people (I die every time she reaches for me), she eats everything we eat, her little personality comes out more and more and her giggles are the best! Being her mom brings me so much joy and happiness.

Saying a lot has happened since the last blog post is an understatement. Our little family has gone through a lot - good and hard and bitter and sweet. Erin and I have concluded that there has been a tremendous amount of change in the last year and even though all the change, or most of it, has been good we haven't handled it great - collectively or individually  (I think Erin has handled it like a champ. She says she hasn't though which is why I'm saying 'we' and 'individually'). Through it all though we love each other, we are obsessed with our kid, we are heathy, we work hard, we're making plans for our future and we're making time for fun. 

We went to Thailand for a couple weeks. We left Feb 3 and returned on the 18th. It was special. It feels incredible that we were able to take 2 weeks off life and go to a such a magical place. Most of the Thai people that we talked to had never left the country. We felt thankful for our privilege - for our jobs, for vacation time, for good healthcare (incase we ate something that didn't agree with us) and for good health that allowed us to be there and do the things we're able to do. Experiencing the people, the beauty, the simplicity - at least on the island we visited - was such a gift. Jette was a major hit. People loved holding her, taking pictures of and with her and trying to get her to wave at them. Jette loved the attention, she loved the food - she demanded to eat everything we ate and seemed to eat adult sized servings, she started to crawl on her knees (instead of army crawling) and she loved being in the water. Traveling with a baby has it's challenges no doubt but I'm glad we did it. It would've been hard to be away from her that long and her being there provided a lot of laughs and opportunities for Erin and I to work together. 

J did great on the long flights. Red eye flights seem to be key for long flights. She slept most of the way. We took a few midday in-country flights that were between 1 and 2 hours and those flights seemed to be much harder for the babe than the long ones. Baby girl wants to be mobile!

While we were in Thailand we talked a lot about life since Jette's arrival. We talked about all the change that's occurred and the times we wish we would've done things differently. We talked about our house and projects we want to do. The night we got home we immediately started to rearrange 2 of the rooms as we discussed while being away. We talked about supporting each other in different ways and how it's important to communicate even when we're tired. We've been home less than 1 week and it already feels different in our home. I love that vacation can do that. More vacation. :) 

This is a poor recap of the last two months. To sum it up I feel more connected, in love and curious about Jette. I am incredibly thankful for Erin - and that is the understatement of the year. She is the most kind and understanding person I know AND she's such a good mom to our baby. I am learning more about myself and working to become a better version of me. I am putting time and attention on my spiritual self and that feels good. 

I'm sitting here still finding it hard to believe that Jette is 10 months old. Where did the time go?!