The start of week 6 - only 33 to go! Holy moly, time is inching it's way forward. It seems to be going so slow. I don't know if I have been so eager for anything in my entire life which makes the wait torturous. But it is also beautiful. Everyday I get online or go to my trusted app(s) and read about what's happening to little Poppy and I contemplate the miracle of life. I am developing an almost spiritual relationship with Erin's body - I look at it and am in awe that it is growing a baby. I know my body is capable of doing the same thing. Bodies are magic. I have spent time thinking about the amount of time we speak badly or critically about ourselves - how we wish certain parts would look different and how we don't take care of ourselves the way we should. The last 1.5 months has helped transform my critical eye to one that has more appreciation.
Now could be a good time to mention the health scare that I referred to. The short version is that I got blood work done a couple months ago at an annual exam and the results are pointing to Mixed Connective Tissue Disease - a disease I'm quite familiar with because my mom had it. My mom's evolved into scleroderma. Often times MCTD evolves into something else.
I don't know for sure what is happening with me, if anything at all. I see a specialist August 31st and will be able to get a proper diagnosis and/or be told nothing is wrong. I obviously am hoping for the latter. I feel great - absolutely no symptoms so the news came as quite a shock. I went to the doctor to get a mole checked, not because I felt sick or anything - and she decided to do an annual because I hadn't been to the doc for nearly 1.5 years.
I haven't shared this news with many people. At first I didn't share because I was really afraid. The first couple weeks I thought for sure that I was on the same path as my mom and that I was going to die soon. I couldn't sleep and had a hard time eating. Luckily, the combination of a couple weeks passing, lavender capsules, meditation and an incredible loving wife I am feeling much better and determined that everything is going to be just fine! I'm telling more people because it makes it not as scary for me and let's me hear the hope and faith of others. This experience has taught me a lot about myself, has introduced a different kind of relationship with my body - and my soul - and has forced me to depend on others for support. There have been several times I have talked to Erin or reached out to a family member or friend just so I can hear them say that I am strong. I cling to every word - when I am alone driving in my car or when I start to feel nervous I repeat the words that I hear from my support network over and over and it makes me feel better. "I am healthy. I am strong. I am healthy. I am strong" Over and over and over as I fill my lungs with air. That is my newest mantra. I am healthy. I am strong. Plus, I have babies to raise and to show the world to!
Yes, I have babies to raise and to show the world to - what a humbling realization.
I have a mental list of all the things I want to teach Poppy. I'm giddy with excitement to once again experience the miracles that are all around me through the eyes and experiences of Poppy. I can't wait to be with a perfect little person and to learn and to adapt and to love. That amount of love I imagine feeling for this baby is intimidating. I anticipate feeling like my heart might burst.
My work feels more important now - not only because I want to do a good job so I can provide well for my growing family but I want to help create a world that is more loving and just - a world that will better be able to support the hopes and dreams of our baby - a world that respects our baby the same as the black and brown babies that are being born. I want to be part of creating a world that is more worthy of being home to our perfect little baby.
The last 1.5 months have without a doubt created a whirlwind of emotions. I have had more thoughts, a lot contradicting, than any other 1.5 months of my life. But here I am today grateful for all of it. I mean how could I not be.
Harley has 33 more weeks of being the baby of the house. Don't get used to this, bud. That little thing in moms belly is soon going to take your place!
Until next week, go spread your light and love to someone who needs it. And be kinder to yourself.
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